Are We Settling for Less

Whether many of you know it or not, I spend a lot of time on Yahoo Answer. I answer questions mainly in the relationship section. The topic that seems to keep popping up is: "I have slept with my best friend, now what?" or "My friend and I agreed to have a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship and now I find that I have feelings for him". Okay, ladies. I wrote the first article about "Being Friends with Benefits", and it was my opinion that this type of a relationship can work if both parties realize that nothing permanent is going to come out of it. Sadly, too many women are entering these relationships because the are lonely or because they believe their "friend" will change his mind.
 Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. The guy has told you from the start that all he wanted was sex. Period. End of the story. So, if you decide to jeopardize your friendship just because your hormones are raging, then you have put yourself in this position. I feel that we as women are starting to sell ourselves short. The guys are getting what they want out of this arrangement (free/no strings attached sex and a good friend to talk to). However, we are coming up short.
Don't get me wrong. I am not downing anyone who has agreed to this. To be honest, I have done this myself. Did it work for me? In one instant, it worked great because I didn't like the guy and I knew he was not the type of man I would ever be interested in as far as having a permanent relationship goes. The other times were a disaster. Why? Because, first, you already have feelings for this person. Remember, he is already your friend and knows all of your "dirty little secrets". Next, add sex to the mix and ( want to or not) you start to develop feelings for the person you are having sex with. No wonder you are angry when he wants to talk to you about his last conquest or about some hot girl he is dating. Problem!!!
So, as I continue to read and answer countless women who want to know what happened to their BFF after they gave them the goodies, I am forced to ask myself ( and you) are we selling ourselves too short. The answer, of course, is yes. We are. We must learn to control our hormones and stop agreeing to be just a bed buddy for our guy friends.
If we don't, we will never find our true mate. We will always be just another willing victim to lust.

"Friends with Benefits": Does It Actually Work

As a single woman over the age of 35, I know too well the pressures of trying find Mr. Right. The hunt for a soul mate can be emotionally trying and sexually frustrating. It is hard to truly get to know that new person when your hormones are raging. So, what is a single person to do? Some people have come up with what they think is an ideal solution to the problem. It is called being “friends with benefits”.

What are “friends with benefits”? These are two friends who have made a conscious decision to have “no strings attached” sex with each other. The agreement is to supply each other’s sexual needs as well as continuing to be BFFs (best friends forever). Sounds great, right? But, does this type of relationship actually work? The answer is both “yes and no”.

Yes, this does offer the two partners sexual release without the worries that having sex with potential marriage partners does. And, yes, it is convenient. Think about, the two friends already know each other. They knew what they both like and don’t like. They can be completely open and honest with each other. The two people don’t have to work about all of the things that actual couples have to worry about like trying to impress each other or trying to be nice. And, since they are friends and not potential soul mates, they can continue to date other people and search for their true soul mate.

However, this type of a relationship can come with some serious negatives. It stands the risk of turning into something else. Too often one of the friends/lovers begins to develop romantic feelings for the other one. The friend who has become emotionally attached can find it difficult to cope with the other partner continuing to date other people and may even demand some type of commitment. Unless the other friend also shares these feelings, this effectively ends the agreement and ruins a once great friendship. There is also the “weirdness” of having sex with a close friend. Although the two friends may have laughingly shared details from their other sexual conquests, they may not have shared all of their sexual preferences. And, sadly, some friends find being around each other difficult after they cross the line.

Is being “friends with benefits” a good idea? Well, that depends on the friends. If they are both emotionally mature enough to handle the arrangement, it can be a great arrangement. However, there is always the risk of things going wrong. So, if you are considering this type of a relationship, ask yourself which is more important-satisfying your sexual needs or having a great friend.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/is-becoming-friends-with-benefits-a-good-idea.html

http://www.askmen.com/dating/vanessa_100/118_love_secrets.html

On the Top Shelf: A Flash Fiction

On the Top Shelf

As soon as I opened the door, I knew I would have to kill her.  She was there rambling around in my room.  I had warned Tracey time and time again to stay out of my office, but obviously to no avail.  Usually, I kept the door locked, but this time... this one time, I had forgotten.  Now, she was in there going through my stuff, and I would simply have to kill her. I had hoped things would be different this time.

I carefully closed the door as I came into my house.  I quietly eased the gun from the strap at my side.  I walked softly toward my office. God, I hated to do this, but what alternative did I have?  It was all a complication of the job.  Why the hell couldn’t she have just listen to me and stayed out of my office?

Maybe, just maybe she hadn’t found anything.  All the really incriminating evidence was hidden in the secret safe.  The desk drawers were all locked.  As long as she hadn’t bothered the cigar box on the top shelf of the book case, she might not have found out anything. 

The door to my office was cracked. I slid it opened a little more so that I could ease inside without being heard.  I would make this as quick and as painless as possible.  I loved Tracey, and I didn’t want her to suffer the way so many of my targets had before they died.  But, that was different. Killing them was just a part of the job, but Tracey was my fiancée. I never told her what I really did for a living. I couldn’t. For goodness sake, she thought I sold insurance. 

I slid into the room expecting to see Tracey.  Instead of my fiancée, I found her cat Mittens.  She had badly damaged my couch, and she had knocked several books off their selves.  Mittens had even knocked down the cigar box from the top shelf.  Keys and several different passports lay on the floor. She seemed shocked to see me. She seemed even more shocked when I raised my gun and shot her.

“Have you seen Mittens?” Tracey asked me later that evening over dinner. 

“No, can’t say I have,” I replied as I popped a roll in my mouth and glanced out toward the lump of dirt in the backyard.  I have warned them to never go into my office and to never touch anything on the top shelf of my bookcase.

How to Recognize a Good Man

 

Women are always complaining about not being able to find a “good” man. Well, I tend to disagree. If you know what to look for, finding a good man becomes easier. The following are traits that I feel make a man a “good man”.

#1: Man of God

This is my number one criteria. I know for some women this one is not important, but for me, the man of my dreams has to love God. If he loves God, I know that he will love me totally and completely. He will not put himself first. He will consider me and the needs of our family first.

#2 Provider

A good man takes care of his family, and he does it willingly. He does not begrudge his wife or his children money. He will make sure that you and your family is taken care of financially and emotionally. How do you know a man is a provider? Simple. Watch him. See how he treats his own family.  If he has children already, see if he takes care of them. If you are in need, does he offer to help you? Check out the signs.

#3: Trustworthy

A good man is trustworthy. You can trust him to be faithful to you and your family even when things are rocky at home. He doesn’t waste his paycheck on foolishness. He can be trusted to pay the bills and provide a good home for you. You can rely on him to put food on the table.

#4: Emotionally available

We all know men like to play like they have it all together. This is just a part of being a man. However, a “real” man is willing to make himself emotionally vulnerable to the woman he loves. He is available emotionally. He will tell you how he feels about you. He is caring and concerned. A good man is considerable about you, your family, your community, and your country.

#5: Financially responsible

Okay, in today’s times it is good to find a mate that has a fantastic credit report. However, I don’t think a person should be turned down because they made a few unwise financial mistakes in the past. Remember, financial talking about a man who knows how to manage his money. He also knows how to make wise financial decisions. He is always looking for ways to increase his income. He doesn’t have to work two or three jobs. He simple must be financially wise. He knows how to stretch a dollar, and how to plan for the future.  A good man will not stay in debt. He is able to identify his financial mistakes and correct. So, make sure that you discuss finances with your potential mate before the wedding.

#6: Protective

A good man is protective of his family. He makes sure that they are safe from harm. He looks out for them.

These are just a few of the traits I feel make a man a good man. The following are other articles that will help you recognize a good man and how financial problems can ruin a relationship:

 

Tips on How to Date Without Having Sex

How to Date without Having Sex

Dating can be an exciting and fun time. It is a time to get to know the other person and to discover if the two of you have common interests and goals. Dating is one the first steps toward a committed relationship. Too often couples skip vital steps in the dating process and head straight for the bedroom. Sadly, in today’s society, this is the norm. So, how do you search from Mr. or Miss Right without becoming sexually involved too soon?

Date in Pairs

Try group dating. By dating in pairs, this will ensure that the two of you are never really alone. This can also help you control yourself and your sexual urges.

Limit Touching

It is best to limit touching, kissing and hugging if you want to keep your relationship non-sexual. What harm is there in a hug?  A lot. Hugging, cuddling, and other intimate touching can lead to thought of other sexual acts. So, avoid the temptation.

Get Your Mind under Control

Temptation may begin with the eyes, but it is the mind that entertains those lustful thoughts. So, bring your mind under control. Don’t allow your thoughts to linger on sex or other intimate acts. Whenever you find that your mind is beginning to head into forbidden territory, change gears. Stop and begin to mediate on the reasons you wish to remain pure. Remember, it is hard to focus on getting to know a person when your mind is cloud by sexual desire.

Public Places

Stick to public places. Avoid romantic dinners for two or any other dating arrangement that will leave the two of you alone. Restrict dates to places where there will be other people. This will help discourage the two of you from dabbling in sexually provocative behavior.

Have a Safe Signal

Decide up on a safe signal. This is a phrase or a word that will let your partner know that they are crossing the boundaries of your relationship. It can be as simply saying “out of bounds”.

Be Held Accountable

Find a friends or someone else that you can be accountable to. This person should be someone who you can confess your carnal thoughts to. Have this person agree to hold you accountable for your sexual behavior and to remind you of your goal to stay celibate. Simply having to give in account to someone else can be enough of a deterrent.

Never Be Home Alone

Do not head for each other’s homes. This is danger zone number 1. Avoid inviting this person to your house or accepting invitations to their home. It is too easy to go from the living room to the bedroom. So, if you want to invite your date over, do so when there will be other people present.

Take the time to get to know your date. Don’t give in to temptation and miss vital compatibility clues about your date.

5 Simple Things that Can Improve Your Relationship

5 Things that Can Improve Your Relationship

Is your relationship on the rocks? Are you wondering what you can do to save it? Having a successful relationship takes time, effort, and dedication. The following are 5 simple things that you can do to improve your relationship.

Stop nagging

Who wants to listen to a person grip and complain all day? I certainly don’t, and neither does you partner. So, stop all the nagging and complaining. Sure, your partner forgot to take the trash out, and he left the seat up on the toilet again. But, what is nagging and complaining going to accomplish? The trash will still be in the same place and the toilet seat will still be up.

Do you want to know the solution? Instead of nagging, try a different approach. Tell your partner how thankful you are to have them. Tell them how much you appreciate all the nice things that they do for you around the house like taking the trash out and remembering to let the toilet seat down. If this doesn’t work, then leave them little reminders all around the house.

Adjust Your Attitude

Change your attitude and the way you look at things. Start by doing a self-check. Ask yourself why your partner’s behavior irritates you so much. Ask yourself why you respond to your partner the way that you do. Is the real issue the trash or is there something else more serious going on in your relationship? Do you feel that your partner is neglecting you? Once you have done some soul-searching, you must make a conscious decision to change the way you respond to your partner.  Don’t ignore major issues in your relationship. However, instead of focusing on all of things that are wrong with your relationship, focus on the positive.

 Respect Your Partner

This can be a hard one. However, it is vital part of making your relationship work. You must learn how to respect your partner. You can start by actively listening to what they have to say. Learn how to be sensitive to their needs. Don’t humiliate them in front of their friends, family, or children. And, show them that you value them and their opinion.

Compromise

You can’t always have your way. A relationship involves two people. And, at some point, the two of you are going to disagree. To make your relationship succeed, you will need to learn how to compromise. Listen to your partner’s side. Explain your side without shouting. Weigh the pros and cons of both sides and come to a compromise. 

Praise

Who doesn’t want to be appreciated? Learn how to praise your mate. Take notice of all of the small things they do and compliment them on them. Say nice things to your mate. Leave love notes. Make them feel valued. Don’t overdo it or sound phony. Something as simple as saying “Thank you” can be enough.

Don’t let the love fizzle out of your relationship. Make 5 simple adjustments and improve your relationship.

Encourage Reading

I read the Kemper County Messenger yesterday. One reader wrote a Letter to the Editor in response to the Dear Santa letters. This readers voiced her concern about children not reading. I total agree that our children need to read more. African American children need to be encouraged to read more.

New Business on the Way

This year I will get my small business up and running. I just need to get my paperwork completed and some equipment.

Challenge for the New Year

As we welcome in the new year, I would like to challenge black women everywhere to make some serious changes in their diets, relationships, and attitudes this year. As black women, we have a predisposition to diabetes. We have been labeled as bitter and rude. And, some of us are. So, this year, let's strive to be better.